"Take the time to process the pain".

I spent this weekend away at a retreat with a group of women who help fulfill dreams and grow families, and every single one of them has an inspiring story to tell. The majority of these women were pregnant with surrogate babies, and they also happened to be about as far along as I would have been had my first transfer stuck. I didn't think it would bother me.

I also recently suffered a miscarriage of our second attempt to give my wonderful Intended Parents another baby. Again, I thought I was fine. But I didn't want to try again. I knew in my heart, in my brain and in every fiber of my being that going into another transfer so soon would have me hoping it didn't work. I was not, and am not, ready to be pregnant again. I just became a Kangoo Jumps instructor. I just started to feel normal after my last round of IVF, the weight is just now starting to come off. I don't want to do this.

I have said this, to more than one person, but I think that it was perceived as cold feet. I just tried twice and it hasn't worked, of course I'm nervous, but no one truly understood that I really, really do not want to do this. I didn't realize until Saturday night, sitting with the founder of our surrogacy agency, that these losses and fails have affected me in more ways than I knew. I didn't just gain weight, I didn't just lose some of my progress at the gym, and I didn't just lose time in pregnancy; I was also starting to spiral.

You see, for the last 6 months, there has been a timer ticking in my head. About a month before a transfer, I start to count the days until I can't go hard anymore, I can't life crazy heavy, I can't run as fast. I'm looking at the calendar and over scheduling things, realizing that I only have so much time left to get to my goal, and then I'd go for transfer, and I'd wait to see what happened with the little em-baby. The first time, baby just didn't stick, and I felt like a failure. "What did I do wrong? I stopped going to the gym, I didn't push myself, I took it so easy, I took all of my meds! What happened??" Sometimes, it just doesn't work. Ok, it's not me.

We discussed when we would start again, and again, the timer started. We didn't want to deliver in September, as our midwife would be on vacation, so we decided to go on my January cycle. A February transfer. I had 2.5 months to get to my goal, I didn't make it last time. Is 2.5 months enough time? Push harder Aubrey. Make these months count. Throw yourself into it, and do not rest. And then time was up again, and it was transfer day. Three days after transfer, I got a positive pregnancy test. It worked!! I'm not broken after all!

At 6 weeks, they say you can go back to your fitness regimen, so I headed back to Orange Theory. I power walked on the treadmill, I lifted lighter weights, and 45 minutes in, I started to bleed. I rushed home, and I bled heavier. I called AB Health Link, and they said I wasn't bleeding enough for it to warrant a visit to a hospital. I did not know that there was enough, until this experience, I thought actively and heavily bleeding was bad. So I stayed home, and called my clinic in the morning. I was still bleeding, but still, it wasn't enough. Probably just a subchorionic hemotoma, common in IVF pregnancies. We'll keep your ultrasound date the same, a week and a half out.

I went crazy, not having any clue what was happening in my uterus. Was the baby ok? Was there a baby at all? Will the bleeding stop? What is going on!?! I called my midwife, and she booked me an ultrasound. The tech didn't let me see the screen, and asked me if I'd just gotten a positive test, or if I'd gotten back my HCG numbers. I realized then that something was wrong. Why are you asking? Why does that matter? "I can't tell you anything, I'll go get the doctor". The doctor was busy, so I had to wait for them to send the results to my midwife.

"I'm so sorry Aubrey, but there is no sign of pregnancy." "Not even a gestational sac? Is it too early?" "No, there is nothing there." I failed again, and I gave up months of progress, just for it not to work. I was broken after all.

I cried, and I was angry, but after a few days, I thought I was ok. What are the next steps? An endometrial scratch in April, and another transfer in May, with more meds. And so the timer started again.

As I talked about my experience, and my upcoming transfer this weekend with other surrogates, I realized that I was dreading it. I was frantic, making sure I scheduled as many high calorie burning activities as possible during our free time and eating nothing but salad all weekend, to the point of lunacy. I could see that I was being annoying, but didn't they understand that my time is almost up?!

This was supposed to be a retreat, not another fitness training course. And yet...

Sitting with Lorraine, she gave me a look that said "I'm worried about you" and I broke. I cried for easily half an hour, telling her that right now, in this moment, I do not want to do this. I am stressed, I am working too hard, I am bordering on an eating disorder because I can feel the clock ticking. I will workout 3-4 hours a day so that I can eat as little calories as possible and wake up a little lighter every day. I don't feel ok, and I hadn't acknowledged it. I hadn't processed my pain, and I was plowing through my life to get to the next checkpoint.

We decided on that couch that I would wait a few months, get back to happy, get to the summer, and re-visit a transfer date in July. As soon as she said she'd talk to my nurse at the clinic and my Intended Parents, I felt a flood gate open. I bawled openly in a room full of pregnant women, who were all gracious enough to pretend they didn't notice.

And so now I heal. I ate some chocolate last night after the talk, and I had a large helping of breakfast. I did not go for a run this morning, and am taking my first rest day in three weeks. The relief is palpable. I feel so much better.

We did Yoga this morning, and the instructor had moon cards. I pulled the North Node. It told me that I know my path, I know what I'm doing and what I want to do, and I should pursue it, even if it scares me. I almost cried. It reinforced last night's decision to wait. I feel excited to start again, but just not yet. It's how I felt almost two years ago when I was preparing for my first transfer.

So that's my story. I haven't told it openly, because I guess I didn't really know it yet. Are you holding on to pain? Are you pushing it down, pretending, or simply not acknowledging, that it's affecting you? Friends, please, take time to process your pain. Find someone who can recognize that you are spiraling, or simply not yourself. If you can't do it yourself, find someone who can tell you what you need to hear, and then listen to it openly. Lorraine gave me three rules to follow for life; be happy, be healthy, be safe. It's now my mission to get back there.