"You can't tell him to go, and then guilt him when he does".

Yep, it's relationship day! I don't know if any of you take part in any self betterment or growth activities, but podcasts have helped me more than I can say in the last little while. I've realized a few traits about myself that I think I already knew, but am now acknowledging. One of them is guilt. Both feeling it and placing it on others. I know its a cliche, but I was raised Catholic, and so were my parents, and so were their parents, so guilt is certainly something I've come by honestly.

I feel guilt like I feel a strong wind. I feel bad when the traffic makes my husband late for work. I feel terrible when one of the dogs is playing to rough with a cat and the cat gets hurt. I feel extreme guilt when one of my kids didn't like the food I made for lunch and didn't eat. None of these things are in my control, and I have no fault in any of these situations, but yet I will apologize for them and I will feel that guilt for a while, as if I played a direct hand in them. I am working on not feeling these feelings so hard, and eventually, maybe not even at all, because it's a weight that I just do not need on my shoulders.

Now, doling out guilt. I am exceptional at that. I can make people feel guilty like no body's business, and it's something I've just realized about myself. My husband picks up an extra shift to help us financially? Well, I can make him feel guilty about leaving us on a Saturday, me with the kids alone, again. He gets a new phone because his is broken? I can turn that into "Welp, there goes our budget." I don't even realize I'm doing it in the moment. I will even tell him to do something for himself, and then make him feel like crap when he does it.

I know I'm not the only one who does this. I've spoken to others who do it, and it is a crappy, horrible thing to do. I don't do it maliciously. It's not my intention to ever make my husband feel bad about investing in himself or our family, but yet it's like I'm on autopilot. It is something that I am now actively working on putting an immediate stop to. As far as I am concerned, Brian is the greatest partner and friend that I could have possibly asked for, so why am I so quick to jump on him for things that are both not his fault, or even really an issue to begin with? It's a problem.

And the thing I've noticed as I've evaluated this flaw of mine is that he has never fought back, or pointed out that I am doing this, and he has in fact apologized to me almost every time I've done it! My wonderful husband has accepted blame with so much grace, and shown me so much love that I can't even begin to figure out how I'm going to make up for so many years of putting up with me.

Two things have become evident to me while I've thought about this concept of guilt, and my own personal journey with it.

1: I do not have to feel guilty for all of things anymore, and I don't have to ask permission to do things for me. I am in a partnership with my husband, and it is ok for me to go to the gym, or a retreat, or just out to get my nails done sometimes, as long as I am not taking advantage of him, and he should be ok with supporting me. I cannot be my best self as a mom if I can't take care of myself, and that shouldn't make me feel any kind of guilt.

2- I love the people in my life, and they in absolutely no way deserve any of the bad feelings that I am so capable of making them feel. Just the same way that Brian should support me in my betterment, so too should I support him. My children will make mistakes, and harping on them will not help them grow into strong people, but rather will teach them guilt, which I do not want for them. All in all, I have discovered that making people feel guilty does absolutely nothing for me, and tears down people that I adore.

So ladies, because let's face it, we women are really quite good at this, if you tell your spouse to go out for a boys weekend, you cannot be angry when he does it. If you know he's going golfing, and that you'll be alone for the whole day with the kids, don't point out that you never get to go out with your friends. Rather, go schedule yourself a date with the girls, or a lunch with your mom, or just a massage on your own. Let him take care of himself, and go do the same for yourself. Talk openly, love big and take care of each other.